Frequent travelers are hit with another disappointing cutback as American Airlines announced they will no longer offer free cabin pressurization to passengers in coach.

As first reported by The Onion, American Airlines CEO Doug Parker explained, “Unfortunately, to stay competitive as a legacy carrier in today’s air travel market, it no longer makes economic sense for us to provide breathable air at altitude.” On the bright side, first and business class travelers as well as those willing to pay an additional fee will continue to enjoy breathable air, thus avoiding the nasty side effects that may result from cabin pressure at less than a third of normal levels, such as altitude sickness, blood problems, dimmed vision and hyperventilation. As a consolation, American would like to remind passengers that any negative side effects should diminish as soon as the aircraft descends below 10,000 feet. The Onion also warns that further cuts, including the discontinuation of complimentary landing gear on flights less than four hours, could be imminent.

Bottom line: Just in case you didn’t know… The Onion specializes in news satire.