You saw a married friend on a dating website

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by prncess674, Feb 5, 2011.  |  Print Topic

  1. I am not going to tell the wife, but I was surfing a dating website and saw a married friend on the site. I would not consider him one of my besties but he is a casual friend and I was shocked to see him out there so flagarently posting. He didn't mention his wife or two kids in the ad. I suspect he is just out there looking for a fling/FWB. I am certainly not going to say anything to the wife, but now I just feel completely uncomfortable talking to this friend again knowing what I know. Do I send him a note and ask what it is going on? Do I just pretend I didn't see it?

    Just for background, I am friends with him and not the wife. I don't want to date him, but I do want to tell him he is dunce for posting his picture online if he isn't in some sort of trial separation since being a "player" could negatively impact him in a divorce proceedings which could cost him big bucks.
     
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  2. gleff
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    I guess I'd need to unpack what the concern is here, and what you want to see happen.

    Are you bothered by his behavior, and troubled over your friendship?

    Are you just worried he isn't being discrete enough, and that his behavior could have consequneces for him -- so you want him to be more discrete?

    I mean, if you want to shake the dude and say what are you doing searching for an affair online? Go back to your family or don't but figure your stuff out! Then it would make sense to have that conversation.

    But you say at the end that your concern is that he (1) gets caught and (2) bears financial consequences for his behavior, and it sounds like you just want him to avoid #2? That's a different conversation and an even more awkward one to have in a way. "Dude! I see you're posting on dating sites, can I help you conceal your actions so you can get away wtih it better?"

    Or perhaps it's just awkward knowing what you know, and knowing tha the doesn't know that you know, but thinking about this whenever you see him but realizing that it's strange to tell him that he should know that you know. In which case, just get over it and don't think about it.

    I'm sure none of this was useful. :)
     
  3. Brit
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    [​IMG]

    Not an envious position to be in, being the caretaker of such knowledge.
     
  4. IMGone
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    Since he isn't a close friend and you don't know the wife, are you sure that they aren't either separated or having significant difficulties already and this would be no surprise to those that are close friends with him? It may much ado about nothing at this point.
     
  5. I don't know if they are having marital difficulties, but somehow I just feel a little bit slimey seeing it is online. I have known this friend for many years before his marriage, but I have seen him act in inappropriate ways towards women when his wife isn't around. I really have no interest in which way this ends up, but I do believe that if you are trolling around you owe it to your partner to protect them from the possibilities of what one may catch in the dating world.

    Sure condoms are great, but how many wives would be thankful and excited to know that their SO were dipping their pen in a miriad of ink even if wrapped up in Saran wrap?
     
  6. gleff
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    Y'know, you COULD sign up a fake username. With his wife's photo. And this user could respond to his ad...
     
  7. MrPiggy
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    There are ads posted on dating websites with swiped photographs, it might not really be his ad at all.

    Leave it alone and MYOB.
     
  8. well if it were a swiped photo why would all the other info be correct? If it were a swiped photo wouldn't you want to know that someone was using your photo on an online dating website?
     
  9. Westsox
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    I think your response should be what you would want to be told if it was your husband on the dating website and someone knew about it. Tough predicament for you but I really hate to see cheaters get away with such inconsiderate behavior. If you don't love your wife, have the courtesy to move on.
     
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  10. kiwi
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    oh great this thread is full of dating ads.
     
  11. IMGone
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    I just noticed the russian bride one at the top - too funny
     
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  12. kiwi
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    No russian bride here since google varies ads by location.
     
  13. wijomas
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    I get an ad for "mate1". But I wanted to mate 2. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

    I agree with MrPiggy though. It's not your place to say anything, especially if you actually want to keep your friendship with this guy. There are plenty of people out there who like to err.... "find a replacement first" before breaking it off with their current partner/bf/gf/wife/husband
     
  14. Margaret
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    I really think you should keep out of it.
     
  15. Art234
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    On one level, I can see your point about feeling uncomfortable, but on another, at the end of the day, perhaps you want to re evaluate whether you want to distance yourself entirely from this person. Apparently, if he is not separated or having serious issues within the marriage, he appears to have an integrity issue--which could indicate that he might not be forthright and honest when it comes to other issues....I would be disappointed if this were one of my friends, but I'd also re evaluate my relationship with him/her and create some added distance between us.
     
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  16. karenkay
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    since the wife isn't really your friend, i'd probably not tell her, but i would pretty much cut your friend out of your life....and if he asked, i'd be inclined to tell him why. okay, so he's unhappy with his marriage, fine, but that doesn't give him an excuse to start looking for other women to date while he's still married to someone.

    first you get a divorce, then you date. it's quite simple, really. :)
     
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  17. I liked the idea of posting a profile as his wife, using her picture and information, and sending a message to the person... that clearly would let him know that someone is on to his game, without you being in the shoes of being the person to "bust him" and hopefully would get him to stop what he was doing and go back to being a good husband...

    If he continues at that point, then he clearly shows he doesn't respect his marriage and his wife will find out soon enough...
     
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  18. cockpitvisit
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    If you are concerned about his advertisement harming him, you could always get an anonymous email account and send him an email "from a friend" or better a "former colleague" with the words of warning.

    Concerning his morals, are you sure his wife isn't cheating on him already? I would be very careful judging others here.
     
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  19. sobore
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    SOBORE and SGT. Schuttz: We see nooooothingggg!
     
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  20. 2lovelife
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    I agree with just staying out of it.

    Either one of 2 things has happened: You have completely misunderstood the situation, or you have it nailed exactly. In any case, do you really want to be involved in either instance?
     
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  21. IMGone
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    Wow - how did this get to be about his wife being a cheater, as well?
     
  22. cockpitvisit
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    The only thing we know is that the guy posted on the dating website. Since I suppose in a well run marriage partners don't cheat on each other, something must go wrong here. Could be his fault... or hers.
     
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  23. LFCorsten
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    it is never the fault of one. there are in a marriage always two.
     
  24. IMGone
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    That is one heck of a leap to she must be cheating, just saying!
     
  25. Art234
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    So now as I read this thread again, the banner ad is "Get answers about divorce"......
    Maybe you should send your friend the link prncess ;)
     

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