It is rare that I write trip reports, mostly because I am not a natural writer. I sit here on my flight to Lima and suddenly I feel compelled to write a report as I being shaken around over the Andes mountain range. This report starts with booking the fare. When Continental deleted the routing rules between Seattle and Newark it was Christmas morning for the mileage run crowd. Being mindful of the fact that I have to work during the week so I decided to keep it sane, SEA-IAH-EWR-IAH-SFO-SEA. Well if you call that sane, I don’t think my seatmates think I am all that sane, and you know I am kind of ok with that. Anyways out on Friday back on Sunday, just a quick run. The ticket was easy enough to book and the flight was easy enough to plan. There was one small problem, EWR-LIM is not EUA eligible. I did what any sane mileage runner would do, list myself for the upgrade. Cost for the upgrade 15,000. I cleared SEA-IAH at the time of booking and IAH-EWR cleared about a week later. I became more obsessive than Mr. Sheen when evaluating a line of coke. MilePoint was filled with my pleas to clear my upgrade. Those please fell on deaf ears. On the preceding Sunday J sold out. Whatever, I am the champ, Mr. Clutch so to speak, when it comes to this sort of thing. The day of departure corresponded with the end of semester and an extra long day at work. This left with an hour to make it from my house, hit the local drug store, make the light rail and get through security at the airport. It took 56 minutes. I got to the airport, checked in at the CO counter then went to the UA counter to get my return boarding passes. The UA TAs are absolute champs, despite my flight being more than 24hrs out they got not just one BP but all of them. Security was a joke as normal. That time of day SEA is pretty dead. So they had one document checker and three WTMD lines open. As the line started to back they decided to open a 2nd doc checker but close two WTMD lines. I just have one question…. Are the SEA TSA staff retarded or just incompetent? I am thinking the former. I swear there are a couple that have down syndrome. After getting though the debacle that is security at SEA I made my way to the PC to do some school work. The club was surprisingly full, but that was due to the evening flight to ANC. I grabbed a XX and lime and proceeded to turn in my work for the semester. After I got that done I decided to conference with two of my favorite PC agents. For those of you that are unawares, the SEA PC agents are the bomb. I am not talking like “the bomb” burrito you can get from the 7-11, I am talking the greatest of all time. I asked for rather obscure information, and they went to the nines to get it. This did not prevent a woman from losing it about missing an upgrade. Seriously, people an upgrade is a nice bonus not a right. GET OVER YOUR BAD SELF. If you wanted an F seat, go buy an F seat. Lets face it you’re just the same as me, you buy the elcheapo tickets and rely on the EUA. This reminds me I need to write a letter to CO High Command praising the SEA PC staff, I don’t want to see them gone with the merger. Oh by the way the person throwing the fit because of missing the EUA on the EWR flight. I assume EWR based on the string of expletives and DYKWHIA BS that exited her mouth. By the way she works for the pyramid scammers err I mean MLM champs ACN Inc. If anyone knows the email for their CEO please conversate it to me. This has so far been the theme for the trip, disappointment and how not to handle it. The ACN trailer trash queen was one. Lets talk two. The flight to IAH was awesome. I remembered to pack ear-plugs for the red-eye. They were needed, two people decided it was a good flight to talk on. I was out like a light. I missed the midnight snack. That’s a big deal as anyone who has seen me will testify that I do not miss meals. Well if it was the CO “Chipotle beef wrap” or as I call it poo on plate, I didn’t miss much. 0530 found me arriving in IAH. Mid-con red-eyes are teh suck. Dear MS Word please stop auto-correcting teh, it is spelled correctly. I went to the PC, relaxed. I said would get a shower in EWR. When I upgraded IAH-EWR I grabbed the Captain Kirk chair. The single chair in row one. I got on the plane and got introduced to D-Bag #2. I boarded fairly early in the process. I found my seat occupied by 1985. When I say 1985 what I mean is there was a gent who was using my seat as a personal work station. And when I say 1985, think Patrick Bateman (American psycho) only 60 years old and not very good looking. We’re talking striped dress-shirt, cuff-links, rolex, and tortoise shell glasses. Not only was there a total lack of manors his audio didn’t work. We interrupt this report for a pop-quiz. Your audio on the IFE doesn’t work what do you do? a)read the book your brought b)tell the stew c)shrug and say hey it is only a three hour flight. d)throw a temper tantrum and hurl your bose headphones into the bulkhead. Yeah, that’s what I am talking about. I mean seriously people what is about airplanes that turns ordinarily normal people into petulant three year olds. Granted I have made a crap ton of mistakes in my life, but how do successful people lack both taste and manners. I guess d-bags really do finish first. I should have hit on his wife, she looks like she could use a person who thinks about more than himself. I watched the green hornet on the ancient 764 tape system. Green Hornet stared Seth Rogan who played Seth Rogan. I though the script was written by a 13 year old. Turns out I was right it was, Seth Rogan. Not worth the money I paid for it. I got to EWR and ran to the club, the Chinese food I had last night did not agree with me. Well that wasn’t the only thing that went down the drain. EWR-LIM checked in full. 21C here I come. The shower was amazing. Went to gate just as they started boarding. What a comedy of errors. First there were technical difficulties, next there was another hostage taker. The person on 20B decided she deserved 20C for “medical reasons” well after a brief discussion that could be summarized as take your seat or get off the plane, she sat in 20B. The flight which I am on as I write this was generally ok. CO’s international food continues to decline. The chicken and rice was edible and the salad was half the size I remembered. Oh the turkey grenade is now the pre-arrival snack. Seriously, CO STOP. You own the effing catering company, grow a pair and spend some money. My seatmates are a grad school student and a non-profit interventionist. This leads me to the conclusion that I lead a horrible life. Speaking about horrible life, the FAs have been miserable. I was waiting for the loo and they closed off the back galley and wouldn’t interact with pax. Three drink runs and one water run for a 7hr flight, sad. The woman in the window seat in my aisle asked one of the FA’s who was collecting trash for water the response was “I only have a trash cart” when she lost the cart and the question was posed a 2nd time the response was “there is water at the front in the galley.” Never mind the fact that it is bumpy and the pax was in the window. I’ve met nicer Russian FA’s. The IFE on CO’s 752’s and 772’s is just amazing. I believe it is the latest generation of Panasonic AVOD. I watched two films Gran Torino, which I haven’t seen, and Inglorious Bastards, which I had. As much as Parents for a Moral America influences CO’s domestic IFE choices, the AVOD system contains more mature choices. Just started the decent. BBL8R. We landed in Lima reasonably on-time. Lima is an interesting international airport. It is like the person knew what an international airport should look like, but not the details. The international arrivals hall is the same as the departure hall, so people boarding international flights have to walk trough the people going to international arrivals. I made it to the transfer line. It took me a moment to explain the person guarding the line that I was in the right line. How do you say mileage run in Spanish??? I saw the sign that TACA was handling all of the *A flights in LIM. I went to the TACA transfer desk to ask for a lounge pass, the quote was “We’re TACA not UA.” I decided that pointing out the sign would have been pointless and decided to see if the lounge could help me. I wandered through security, which was surprisingly efficient. I was in line with another gent from the flight. We talked business and what a mileage run is. He was on his way SCL for business. Well I got to the Sumaq lounge and presented my BP to the matron. The agent asked for my invite which I did not have. Without bidding she phoned down to the UA check-in desk and got approval. I was admitted. The Sumaq lounge is a contract facility. It was a single large room. Seeing as the facility was used by UA, AA, and CO as well as Aerolinas Argentias it was packed. It took me a full circuit to find a place to sit. Food was ok, there were pink and purple spreads, a selection of finger food and various desserts. There was a well stocked bar and one of those Latin American jucing machines. There was a smoking lounge. After finding a seat I grabbed a little nosh and went to the bar. I ordered a beer, it was a brand I never heard of. After consuming that, I went back to the bar. I decided a different tack was in order, the beer was not so good. I asked the bartender what I should drink, the answer was simple Pisco Sour. O M G Stuff was coming out of unlabeled containers, three large jiggers of various forms of alcohol. It was all shaken and poured into an airline sized glass. I am not too sure what was in it, but it was the best thing I have ever consumed. I pounded three of them. They left me in a comfortably intoxicated state. What the hell, I was wasted. It was amazing. I decided I rather be outside. The smoking lounge is actually an outdoor courtyard in the airport. It doesn’t look over anything. In fact the lounge has zero windows. The courtyard does look up at the LIM tower. Well if you really want a view just have a few pisco sours, and you’ll see whatever you want. I was drunk and making the decision not to consume anymore booze I decided to go for a walk. I ended up in the ubiquitous duty free shop. I was drunk to the point where spending money at the duty free shop was a good idea. Knowing I had to go through TSA, I bought a small mini-collection of you guessed it, pisco. I made the short walk to the gate, collect my duty free and boarded the plane. LIM-IAH was on the ghetto bird, I mean the UA 763 domestic version. I boarded quite drunk and quickly found my seat, 3E. On it were UA’s business blanket and pillow. The FA’s were handing out glasses of champers, OJ, and Water. I took the Champers and two glasses of water and promptly passed out. I did manage to read the menu and wine list. The menu said business and there was a three course dinner, and express dine option. Again I passed on the meal, mostly because I was drunk and passed out. I woke up about 45 minutes outside of Houston. I really do like the UA domestic F seats, even if they are too small on the 763s. Breakfast which should have been the main meal on board, but wasn’t, was a fruit plate and pastry. Pathetic really. I LOVE South American food. UA could have done so much with this, but elected not to. I made it to Houston and it occurred to me that I had an hour connection between flights. I found myself in the slowest USCIS line of all time. I told the immigration officer precisely what I did. He got a kick out of what I was doing and passed me on without delay. I sprinted though customs and up to TSA where I got selected for teh nude o scope. Being that I did not need to be delayed, I consented. The UA gates in Houston are at the end of the C-North Pier. So I walked though the Abandoned D terminal (deserted at 7 in the morning) and walked to the gate where by some miracle my upgrade cleared. The IAH-SFO flight was ok. It is domestic first so it was blah. I got my eggs, they were tasty as any powdered eggs could be. I just passed out for most of the flight. Exciting stuff really. We landed at SFO late after doing two penalty turns. I got out my phone and got an “Easy Update” message from UA telling me I had been rebooked from my 1030 flight on Sunday to a 0830 flight that connected in PDX on Monday morning. OH Hell NO As late as we were getting into SFO, my flight out was just as delayed. Also my flight to SEA was worked by the same crew. I noticed that my headphone jack was missing from my seat. I need to back to customer care and e-mail PE Voice and make the gratuitous demand for compensation. I was sitting the row with a baby and young couple. The kid was well behaved for the most, outside of several breaks for freedom. We made it to SEA a little late due to the late departure. It was an anti-climatic end to the trip.