Jokes to share with fellow MilePointers

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by KyRoamer, Mar 23, 2011.  |  Print Topic

  1. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    Best that they be travel related but since some will not I posted in off topic.

    Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a
    plane:"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
    "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
    "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
    "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
    Sniff sniff
    "Ah perfume - you think of everything"
    "This is great....." (long sigh)


    Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
    "This is the captain speaking, to those two people
    in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and
    it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
    Now put those cigarettes out and take the
    condom off the smoke detector!"
     
  2. East_Yorker
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    East_Yorker Gold Member

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    As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
    Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
    Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
    As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
    The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
     
    WilliamQ, anthstr, wrxmom and 13 others like this.
  3. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
    announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this
    is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293,
    non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
    good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit
    back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

    Silence

    Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
    earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant
    brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
    lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

    A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see
    the back of mine!"
     
    WilliamQ, wrxmom, Flyer1976 and 13 others like this.
  4. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    "Scared to Fly"

    Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
    stopped, turned around and returned to the
    gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

    A concerned passenger asked the flight
    attendant, "What was the problem?"

    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he
    heard in the engine," he explained.

    "Did you fix the noise?" asked the passenger.

    "No. It just took us awhile to find a new pilot."
     
    WilliamQ, fyfedog, FlyingFree and 7 others like this.
  5. mhnadel
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    mhnadel Silver Member

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    A vulture went to board a plane, carrying a dead antelope and a dead zebra. The gate attendant stopped him and told him, "sorry, only one carrion."
     
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  6. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    Urban Legend?

    A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
    nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA,
    "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
    aboard and only 40 dinners."

    When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued,
    "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone
    else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the
    flight."

    Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants
    to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!
     
    WilliamQ, MSYgirl, Flyer1976 and 8 others like this.
  7. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
    large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

    The aircraft takes off and a pretty Flight Attendant walks down the
    aisle past the man and his seat mate.

    "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make
    it snappy!"

    The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
    the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "dammit, you lazy whore,
    where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up
    the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

    Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some
    quick service for himself.

    "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your
    sorry ass - I want it right now!"

    The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
    moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
    attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open
    the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000
    feet.

    As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
    for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
     
  8. goalie
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    goalie Gold Member

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    TSO to a pax who is in the nude-o-scope: Is that a Freedom Baggie® in your pocket or are you just glad to see me
     
  9. kwai
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    kwai Gold Member

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    His request approved, the CNN News
    photographer quickly used a cell phone to
    call the local airport to charter a flight.

    He was told a twin-engine plane would
    be
    waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a
    plane
    warming up outside a hanger.

    He jumped in with his bag, slammed
    the
    door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
    into
    the wind and took off.

    Once in the air, the photographer
    instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
    and make low passes so I can take
    pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

    'Why?' asked the pilot.

    'Because I'm a photographer for
    CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to
    get
    some close up shots.'

    The pilot was strangely silent for a
    moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
    what you're telling me, is . . . You're
    NOT
    my flight instructor?'
     
    Xyzzy, WilliamQ, wrxmom and 12 others like this.
  10. AmericanGirl
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    AmericanGirl Silver Member

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    OMG you guys are cracking me up! I am laughing out loud and my husband is looking at me strangely ;)
     
  11. kwai
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    kwai Gold Member

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    My fiancee also looks at me strangely from time to time.
     
  12. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an
    elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was
    the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight
    attendant congratulated them and asked how they had
    done it.

    "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said
    slowly.

    The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a
    sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence
    with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
    "...underwater."
     
  13. jbcarioca
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    jbcarioca Gold Member

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    There is an art . . . to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
    — Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
     
  14. sobore
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    sobore Gold Member

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  15. sobore
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    sobore Gold Member

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  16. jbcarioca
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    The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
    The second officer says, "Oh batman!"
    The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
    The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

     
  17. jbcarioca
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    jbcarioca Gold Member

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    mcruiser, thanks for starting this thread! :D
     
  18. jbcarioca
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    The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
    — Mark Russell
     
  19. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out
    peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined
    up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a
    message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180
    degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle
    up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks
    and hold your nuts, we're taking off!". No one saw her for the rest of the flight
    to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so
    were half of the passengers.
     
  20. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to
    let him move into the basement. Then I realized how
    convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before,
    I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream
    his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light
    off and on, and he was here.

    One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I
    did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called
    up. "You didn't have to yell."

    Sort of like typing in ALL CAPS!
     
  21. Funtodoimpossible
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    Aviation Dictionary
    Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

    Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

    Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

    Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

    Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

    Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

    Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

    Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

    Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

    IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

    Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

    Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

    Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

    Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

    Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

    Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

    Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

    Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

    Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
     
  22. jbcarioca
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    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
     
  23. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
    very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
    "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

    He gave her that "who are you?" look, and couldn't remember ever
    having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she
    had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really
    sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one
    of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was
    dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world
    coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who
    fathers her children! "

    Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought
    but, MAYBE during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was
    in college, perhaps he did father her child!

    He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
    "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really
    drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of
    everyone?"

    "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
    second grade teacher!"
     
  24. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    No good deed goes unpunished. My wife needed a tag line for her signature so I suggested:

    Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

    I'll be able to walk bent over shortly and the soreness should go away by tomorrow.
     
  25. KyRoamer
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    KyRoamer Gold Member

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    The Lawn mower:

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
    hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
    had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car,
    playing golf - always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
    arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
    for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a
    minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
    sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
     
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