Is it wrong to create an event at someone else's house and invite people they don't know?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Grace, Feb 7, 2011.  |  Print Topic

  1. Grace
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    Grace Silver Member

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    I'm having this debate with DH. Our friend suggested we should host a St. Patrick's day party. He agreed. I wasn't consulted.

    I log into facebook today and see that she created an event and invited HER friends to this party. We have maybe 40 mutual friends and she invited 70 people...to my house.

    I'm mad because 1) I won't be home for the event and 2) I have no clue who these people are. I don't even know them enough to be FB friends with them. This included 2 people who just very publically defriended us (since they are still friends with the other person)

    DH says he told her to invite anyone she wanted and doesn't care.

    I would never create a FB event at someone else's house and if for some reason I did, I would only invite mutual friends. I don't know why DH couldn't create this event himself and I don't know why we are coordinating it through FB at all when it's really for a social group that has its own website with events. DH is the webmaster for that site so it's not like he can't post events there.

    Am I overreacting? Would it change things if I added the fact that she's polyamorous and is inviting her boyfriend (and his wife), her husband's girlfriend (and her husband), and various other people all woven in her life but not in our circle of friends at all?
     
  2. The Missy
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    The Missy Silver Member

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    I'm leaning towards ... yes, you are overreacting.

    You arent even going to be there, so what does it matter who shows up? Let DH handle it.

    Of course, since it was done without your buy in, then you have no obligation to lift a finger to make this party happen. DH agreed, so DH does all the work... and clean up.
     
  3. kiwi
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    kiwi Gold Member

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    The most important bit.
     
  4. IMGone
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    I'm leaning a bit more towards Grace, than you guys. The idea of random people tromping through my home, whether I'm there or not, whether I'm cleaning up or not is a bit disturbing. Is DH incapable of planning a party and just doesn't mind hosting? If that's the case, maybe it makes sense that this woman is taking such a big role in setting it up.

    As far as the invitees -- the boyfriend/wife, etc is irrelevant, as long as it's all accepted. If this one doesn't know that one is cheating, or one is actively causing problems in the others marriage, etc then it's a bad idea. As for the FB stuff, that can be a bit like being back in HS, who cares about the 'de-friend', really. Now if they have been rude to you and DH in real life, and then accept an invitation to a party at your house, that says a lot about THEM and nothing good. It also says some stuff about this woman organizing on DHs behalf, if she was aware of the (real life) dust up and stepped in with an invite.
     
  5. lipton
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    lipton Gold Member

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    What is DH?
     
  6. IMGone
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    IMGone Silver Member

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    Dear Husband usually
     
  7. lipton
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    lipton Gold Member

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    Thank you. :)
     
  8. Grace
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    Grace Silver Member

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    His idea of cleaning up is throwing stuff in closets never to be seen again. I need to clean up before I leave town if I want to see my stuff again.

    The person posted a blog post saying she didn't like Tucker Max (author) and DH said he didn't agree with Tucker Max, but finds his books funny. That lead to a huge blog comment fight and the subsequent defriending of both of us. She then went on a facebook and twitter rant against us. I'm not sure how the person who created the event missed all that since this same couple had a falling out with 2 other couples in our social group and right now no one really wants to hang out with the crazy couple.

    Quite a few people in our social group know about the whole polyamory thing, but not everyone does. The thing is that I don't know their partners and I'd prefer not to have 30 people I don't know over at my house when I have no clue where my stuff is since as mentioned before, DH will just throw it in a closet or drawer...then forgets to leave out extra rolls of toilet paper so people will have to hunt through stuff to find them.
     
  9. kellio
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    kellio Gold Member

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    The lifestyles wouldn't phase me but I would be in an uproar if someone did that to me. I'm very particular about my house and the condition before and after hosting a party.

    Did your friend and husband realize you wouldn't be there? Does she realize the amount of work that she is in for? I'd make an itemized checklist of all supplies needed, cleaning that needs to be done around the house before the party and after the party and hand it off to her.
     
  10. techgirl
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    Polyamorous AND they dislike Tucker Max? That seems unusual!

    Reading various threads here leads me to believe I live a very boring life compared to some MilePointers. [​IMG]

    On topic, I would not be onboard with my significant other entertaining up to 70 people at my house without me present, particularly given the liability issues that can arise from entertaining situations. People fall and get injured - or drink and drive - you can get sued as the homeowner, even without you being present. Stuff can disappear (and typically does at a party with that many people). And certainly, there is a lot of likelihood that your home is not going to be in the condition you like when you return home.

    I don't think the issue here is the party though... it's the difference in opinion between you and your partner, and what type of respect you have for consulting each other on decisions. In that case, it doesn't really matter what a bunch of strangers on an internet bulletin board think about this particular situation... it matters what you guys have negotiated as ground rules for your relationship and jointly owned property.

    I always thought one of the ground rules in polyamorous relationships is that one ALWAYS consults ones primary partner and has ground rules for mutual consent. While you don't say whether you are polyamorous, I'd certainly expect your polyamorous friends to respect that relationship constraint between you and DH. These don't sound like the kind of friends I'd be keeping in my life....
     
  11. milchap
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    milchap Gold Member

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    At my house it is is.....
     
  12. Grace
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    Grace Silver Member

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    Different people. Let's say E is the one who told my husband to throw a party. I don't think she'll actually do anything besides show up. She's not putting it on and I wouldn't want her cleaning my house. Let's say H is the one who went crazy and decided she could no longer be friends with W, C, M, S, and B. E apparently missed all that happening even though E spends a lot of her time over at W & C's house and apparently C was really hurt when H said she could no longer be friends with her. Pretty much E is the only one who would want H and her husband at anything right now. I doubt H would show up, and I'm surprised her twitter hasn't mentioned the invite yet.

    We are monogamous. As far as I know, E and her husband are the only poly people in our social group. They constantly bring every other poly person they know around to events they throw, and I find that for reasons unrelated to their lifestyle that I just have nothing in common with them and would never invite them to any event on my own accord. Let's just say these are sci-fi loving people who live for Ren Fest and I hate sci-fi and Ren Fest.

    The party has been moved to Saturday so I'll at least be home.

    If anyone wants to have a party in York, SC, I think I know of a good house to throw it at. I'll invite all my FF friends and tell her about it when the invite goes out.
     
  13. The Missy
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    The Missy Silver Member

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    ok, well then since it sounds like he agreed that YOU would host a party, you have every right to be irritated.
     
  14. techgirl
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    I am going to draw myself a diagram to follow this! Thanks for the explanation... this sounds like it will be quite the party! [​IMG] I'm glad you will now be home for it and I hope you will update us on the outcome!
     
  15. Chimpy
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    I certainly would not be happy at all and do not feel that you are overreacting.
     
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  16. Lalala
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    Lalala Silver Member

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    I do not think you are overreacting in the least. I would use all available beds as filing cabinets or bookshelves and take the dog to the kennel. Yes, I am kidding. I couldn't imagine doing something like that. The wear and tear on your house alone is bad, let alone letting folks you don't personally know into your house makes me uncomfortable.

    lala
     
  17. Jim
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    Jim Silver Member

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    It doesn't work that way in my house. We both buy in or it does not happen.
     
  18. Punki
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    Punki Silver Member

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    Sounds like DH is in serious need of some DH formal education and it is entirely possible that skipping the party and letting him deal with all of the ramifications thereof might be the perfect way for him to acquire a DH Party Etiquette MBA.

    The education might begin with your advising that you will be staying downtown at the Sheraton so you can shop 'til you drop and not have to worry about driving home, "May I please have your credit card, Honey?" Further advise that he should call and let you know when the house is perfectly clean and everything is properly repaired so you will know when to come home.

    At some point he will catch on that the only answer he could have reasonably offered your friend, would have been, "Let me check with Grace".

    They do get wiser as they get older. ;)
     
  19. IMGone
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    I was thinking about this a bit more and believe its more about a disconnect between you and DH that is an issue with the other person sending out the invite for you without consultation. That is rude - period.

    DH agreed to a party in a home you share without consultation, at the behest of someone you seem to be so-so with to begin with, and who associates with people you don't care much for - esp not to have them in your house. Now DHs can be a bit slow on the uptake and miss some obvious clues at times, but there should be an underlying mutual respect of your time, space and property - that all seems to be a bit further off than it should be.

    Glad you're in town and hopefully will enjoy this event FWIW
     
  20. gomike
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    gomike Silver Member

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    No big deal, your DH and friend are co-hosting a party. No reason to know everyone that the party.
     
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  21. Grace
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    Grace Silver Member

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    She's not "cohosting". She did nothing other than suggest that it was time for DH (and me) to host another party. Then she proceeded to set the guest list. She will do nothing other than show up with jello shots. If that's your idea of hosting then I guess I've hosted a ton of parties. She will not clean up, decorate, tear down (thanks to the jello shots) or anything else. Most likely she will be puking in my upstairs bathroom by 9:30 pm.


    I'm glad to know I have so many people who will let me throw parties at their house with my guest list! I guess some things you never know until you ask. :D. GoMike, when should I inform my friends we should pop in? Is it OK if ~40 people you don't know show up when you're not home? I promise we'll clean up after ourselves.

    Another reason I don't really want to have this party is because we are having an issue with leaks and there are black streaks on the ceiling and the stuff that drips smells like vinegar. I'm still waiting for FIL to admit that this is not normal and get it fixed (we just squat in this house so when stuff like that happens we can identify it instead of the house sitting vacant. We are not responsible for paying for or repairing stuff like this).
     
  22. Aktchi
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    Aktchi Silver Member

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    You may have some issues to sort out with DH later, but in this case he has offered to host a party. While not the wisest choice, he can be forgiven for not involving you as he knows you won't be there. If you are merely ticked off, let it slide. If your concerns about roof, plumbing, etc are real enough, then have a talk and cancel the party.

    If the party is on, you may want to lock up your personal stuff, anything you deem sufficiently private or valuable, in one room and make it clear that the room will be off limits to the party guests. Otherwise 70 is a large number and people could be wandering around.
     
  23. Bikeguy
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    Unless you are afraid they'll steal stuff, I wouldn't worry about it
     
  24. Jim
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    Jim Silver Member

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    Grace:
    I am surprised that you did not get or spread the word that she is hosting the "morning after" brunch at her place from 7AM until Noon.

    You can always co-host with coffee shots.
     
  25. IMGone
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    IMO this is an overly simplistic outlook and similar to DHs view that caused the problem in the first place. It is usually not so much an issue with someone stealing, but the results from people disrespecting your property or you. The damag resulting is far beyond having a trinket stolen or misplaced
     

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